“The quality of our relationships is what determines the quality of our lives”

Ester Perel

Good morning,

It’s been a few weeks since my last Monday morning musing….after the busy holiday season, my family and I were fortunate enough to spend a week in Mexico for a wedding with some wonderful friends of ours.

Being the first time we’ve gone away as family for a number of years, it was a solid reminder of the importance of taking time to unplug from our daily routines and making time for family and friends because, as we know, it’s our relationships that shape our lives.

Trust wealth is realized through impactful relationships

As the time away had me reflecting on the importance of family and friends, it was fortuitous that I was reading an article on the weekend in the Atlantic by By Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz titled What the longest study on human happiness found is the key to a good life, an article is adapted from their new book that is based upon a study that I’ve reference previously a number of times……the Harvard Study of Adult Development that established a strong correlation between deep relationships and our well-being.

If relationship make us happy and give us purpose, the question is, how does a person nurture those deep relationships?

Waldinger and Schultz suggest that we turn our mind for a moment to a friend or family member you cherish but don’t spend as much time with as you would like. This needn’t be your most significant relationship, just someone who makes you feel energized when you’re with them, and whom you’d like to see more regularly. How often do you see that person? Every day? Once a month? Once a year? Do the math and project how many hours annually you spend with them. Write this number down and hang on to it.

For them, Waldinger and Schultz, though they work closely together and meet every week by phone or video call, they see each other in person for only a total of about two days (48 hours) every year. How does this add up for the coming years? Bob is 71 years old. Marc is 60. If they are (very) generous and say they will both be around to celebrate Bob’s 100th birthday. At two days a year for 29 years, that’s 58 days that they have left to spend together in our lifetimes.

Fifty-eight out of 10,585 days.

Of course, this is assuming a lot of good fortune, and the real number is almost certainly going to be lower.

What an interesting reflection for us to consider……….

Since 1938, the Harvard Study of Adult Development has been investigating what makes people flourish, a result that we’ve explored in these Monday morning musings before……the result is that “good relationships lead to health and happiness”. The trick is that those relationships must be nurtured. Our relationships take time, energy and effort and, as we all know, we don’t always put our relationships first.

Here are some stats that Waldinger and Schultz share with us…..“Consider the fact that the average American in 2018 spent 11 hours every day on solitary activities such as watching television and listening to the radio. Spending 58 days over 29 years with a friend is infinitesimal compared with the 4,851 days that Americans will spend interacting with media during that same time period. Distractions are hard to avoid. Thinking about these numbers can help us put our own relationships in perspective. Try figuring out how much time you spend with a good friend or family member. We don’t have to spend every hour with our friends, and some relationships work because they’re exercised sparingly. But nearly all of us have people in our lives whom we’d like to see more. Are you spending time with the people you most care about? Is there a relationship in your life that would benefit both of you if you could spend more time together? Many of these are untapped resources, waiting for us to put them to use. And, enriching these relationships can in turn nourish our minds and bodies.”

In this sense, having healthy, fulfilling relationships is its own kind of fitness—social fitness—and like physical fitness, it takes work to maintain and requires a bit more sustained self-reflection. It requires stepping back from the crush of modern life, taking stock of our relationships, and being honest with ourselves about where we’re devoting our time and whether we are tending to the connections that help us thrive. Finding the time for this type of reflection can be hard, and sometimes it’s uncomfortable. But it can yield enormous benefits.

“Investing in our social fitness is possible each day, each week of our lives. Even small investments today in our relationships with others can create long-term ripples of well-being.”

People with “strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them” have the highest levels of wellbeing”

Diener & Seligman, 2002

Our journey to happiness is one we make with companions. One of the most important and rewarding experiences of our lives is the love and friendship we share with those who are close to us. In order to achieve growth, one must have a clear vision, strong habits, an ability to evaluate priorities, live simply, pursue purpose, practice gratitude, find balance, and understand that the true power of wealth is that it affords us the ability to be engaged in the present moment and nurture relationships.

The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.

Bob Marley

Be well and enjoy the moments

Derek